Saturday, January 25, 2014

Talking Sex. Is Your Kink Out of Sync? #Erotic #BDSM

I’m reading a really hot BDSM novel where the heroine is discovering her desire for BDSM. The conflict in her relationship is intense. She likes to feel pain, to be spanked. Bondage excites her too. She wants her lover to make her feel the hurt to heighten her senses, break down the barriers, otherwise she doesn't feel the pleasure. Vanilla sex is boring.

Expressing these kinky desires to her lover is a risk, but she’s brave and she decides to tell him what she wants and needs. Her confession turns their relationship into a nightmare.

At first, she’s embarrassed and ashamed by these feelings because her current boyfriend thinks anyone into that stuff is sick. He thinks she has emotional problems. Friends and family, unaware of her troubles, tell her how lucky she is to be with the current guy who happens to be wealthy, but is a total jerk. Ignoring her attempt to reach out to him and express her sexual desires, he bullies her instead. He criticizes her, tells her she’d essentially be nothing without him.

She's working for one of his clients and arranges to get her fired. She doesn't need to work if they’re going to be married, he says. Her friends and family tell her he’s so generous. They don’t get he has taken away her chance to be self-sufficient. He doesn't abuse her physically, his abuse is psychological. Fortunately, this woman meets another man who recognizes her submissive nature and makes her see the confident, beautiful, self-sufficient woman she is.

This Dom helps her explore her sexual desires without guilt or shame. Helps her find a job and a friend of his helps her find a place to live.

When your kink isn’t my kink

This story got me to think about what couples would do when one partner’s sexual interests evolve to a more kinky adventurous side while the other doesn't doesn't change and is even resistant to change. If the couple is just dating, they may not go further into the relationship and end it. But what if the couple has been married for a while?

This is my opinion and I’m not a therapist, but I believe an individual’s sexuality evolves, changes and is shaped over the years. Many factors affect those changes like life experiences, number of lovers, social and cultural backgrounds, environmental, etc.

Loving communication, patience, a sense of humor and perhaps a sense of adventure are characteristics that would benefits couples struggling with a paradigm shift in their sexual relationship.

Try introducing small changes in the bedroom. Go at the pace of the most hesitant one, as long as both are trying to make changes.
If that fails, a good sex therapist is a good idea.

Steel Reflections is the title of a short story accepted by Cleis Press for a BDSM anthology that has a similar theme. The heroine goes to a BDSM club for a session with a Dom, at the suggestion of her boyfriend. She’s a submissive, he’s vanilla. They’re both hoping the session will get these fantasies out of her system. But will they? And what will this do to her relationship?

I plan to write more on this theme since I do like the struggle and conflicts it causes between characters.

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Suz said...

Wow, Kathy--that's something that happened in my marriage and candidly, helped end it. I wanted to do a threesome and hubby couldn't handle it. He did not have a sense of adventure about it--just was threatened, completely freaked out and ended our marriage.

Of course, a lot of other stuff was happening, but this was definitely a contributing factor. In his mind, the fact that I wanted to include another man in our sex life was the most important factor, but not for me--but I won't go into the messy, depressing details of what was going on in my life at the time.

Kathy Kulig said...

I'm so sorry, Suz. That must've been a very difficult time. Sometimes troubles with sex is just a symptom to other issues in the relationship as you mentioned. Communication is the best way, I think, to work through things. I hope your life is much happier now.