Sunday, January 5, 2014

Being Outed in the #BDSM Lifestyle #Sex

One of the biggest sins in the world of BDSM is being outed whether by someone in the community or out of it. Effects can be detrimental to their job, their vanilla relationships including friends and family, marriage and for child custody.

There are other BDSM sins including not respecting safe words or not using a safe word (unless the scene involves prearranged “consensual nonconsent”), touching persons, objects or toys that do not belong to you. There may of course be exceptions to rules in situations of safety. Not being open and honest about limits and health issues is another.

Outing someone may not be malicious, but by accident.
·         People use screen names on websites like Fetlife and if you address them by their real name you've just outed them.
·         Saying hello to someone in the public vanilla world like at a mall or restaurant. The people they’re with may not know they’re a BDSMer.
·         Tagging people on Facebook or mentioning events on other social networks could link people to a BDSM club, dungeon or munch, in other words…outing them.

As much as I’d like to believe we live in a progressive world of tolerance, understanding and respect, I find more and more we’re still living in modern-day Dark Ages.
I write erotic romance and many of my books have elements of BDSM, swinging, ménage and same sex sex. My books are fiction, but people have criticized me for writing these books. (Not the writing, the content--okay, the writing sometimes too J). I certainly don’t expect everyone to like my dark and sexy taste in romance fiction.
Along the same line, there are certain movies and music I don’t care for. Instead of condemning others for their eclectic tastes because they’re “different” than mine, I turn the channel or tune into a different music station. And if there are books I don’t like…egads…I don’t read them. Thank goodness we all have that right to choose.
In my latest book, SUMMER SINS, outing is only one of many sins, or mistakes, the couple in the story makes. Two very nice and good people may have legitimate reasons for making wrong decisions, but the consequences are severe.
*If you read Summer Sins, see how many sins this couple commits and what they need to do to overcome their errors. Is there anyway for them to have prevented their dilemma in the first place?

A very BIG sin in my opinion: Individuals who make the mistake of measuring others by their own beliefs and understandings.

Summer Sins available at: Ellora's Cave  Amazon B&N

6 comments:

Dena Celeste said...

This is a very good article, and a good way of warning the unaware of just how important discretion is!

Your books sounds fantastic, and I'll be adding it to my TBR pile!

Fedora said...

Good reminder of how easy it can be to slip and share someone's secret without realizing the impact! Even when we're well intentioned, that alone may not keep us from changing someone else's life. Thanks, Kathy!

Kathy Kulig said...

Thanks, Dena. I don't think people realize how easy they could "out" someone without meaning to do harm. And thanks for adding my book to your TBR pile!

Hey, Fedora. How are you? You're welcome and glad you enjoyed the article. :)

Dena Celeste said...

It's true! I mean, just think how many people use pseudonyms on sites like Fetlife, and if someone walked up to somebody on the street going "Hey Anna!" when her vanilla name is Becky, it can create some awkwardness.

Cris Anson said...

An important subject, and well said. Thanks for bringing to the public's attention.

BTW, I absolutely LOVED Summer Sins. Can't wait for the Fall one <3

Kathy Kulig said...

Maybe more than awkwardness, Dena depending who's present.

Thanks, Cris and thank you for reading Summer Sins. I'm working on the next book in the series.